Thriving Because of the Suffering
Have you ever stood beneath a towering Giant Sequoia tree? Its breathtaking stature commands reverent, silent attention, drawing you into a profound sense of stillness, wonder, and awe.
Yet, these magnificent sequoias offer more than just an awe-inspiring presence. Like much of nature, they can be our teachers, showing us how to endure and transform pain. They demonstrate how humans can transcend suffering, using our very own agony as a catalyst for growth, helping us become something beyond our wildest imagination.
Sequoias and fire exist in a delicate, symbiotic dance. These trees actually need fire, and over centuries, their very substance has evolved to both resist and cleverly find value in a fiery inferno. And these flames, like any trauma, leave their mark, for these fires are literally etched into the tissue of the sequoia: scientists can accurately date past fires by studying a sequoia tree’s rings.
Remarkably, scientific study has revealed even more. Not only have sequoias developed brilliant defenses like tannin-rich, fire-resistant thick bark, but they also time their seed cone growth to coincide with impending fires. This is because the intense heat of the fire dries out the cones, allowing them to release thousands of tiny seeds onto ground at just the precise moment when the ground is most fertile.But perhaps the most astonishing aspect of this intricate dance is that fire often triggers the tree’s greatest periods of growth. That’s right: scientists refer to this phenomenon as a “growth release,” which typically occurs after moderate to high-severity fires. It is after enduring the crucible of suffering, brought on by the destruction of fire, that the sequoia experiences its greatest potential. Take a moment to really absorb that.
Transforming Suffering into resilience and growth
Just like the Giant Sequoias endure fire, we, too, face moments in life where we feel forged in the fires of suffering. This can manifest as the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one (including beloved pet companions), traumas against our bodies, the slow decline of a parent or grandparent to a vicious disease, systemic discrimination and injustice, or even a significant life transition that leaves us lost and questioning our very identity and purpose. The list of such profound challenges is truly endless.
In the throes of such pain, it can be impossible to fathom how it could ever be transformational. And in the midst of the trauma, our minds, bodies, and spirits are doing exactly what they need in order to simply survive. Yet, on the other side of that pain lies the potential (key word here) for profound transformation—an awakening, if we choose to engage with it. It is precisely during life’s most agonizing moments that we hold our greatest potential for growth and awakening. As the Sufi poet Rumi wisely wrote, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” More so than fleeting happy or euphoric moments, it is the excruciating experiences that offer us the deepest opportunities to awaken, much like a sequoia weathering a fire.
However, this awakening is only possible by traversing through grief, not by attempting to go around, under, or over it. It’s the very process of being present with the pain—not numbing it, running from it, or suppressing it—that allows us to truly come alive. Counterintuitively, facing pain that feels like it will kill you is often the very antidote to that pain.
I once heard a wonderful analogy during an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) training that perfectly illustrates this: quicksand. The more you thrash about and try to escape it (i.e. run from your feelings and emotions, suppress them, or numb them) the more mired you become. The way to escape quicksand is to lay your body vulnerably across it. Going to the pain is precisely like laying your body across that quicksand; you will not sink. Instead, accepting the pain sets the wheels of healing in motion, especially when working with a professional like me who can guide this delicate process. As Mary Oliver powerfully wrote in her poem “Heavy,” “That time I thought I could not go any closer to the grief without dying, I went closer and I did not die.” Our pain doesn’t just transform us; it becomes our most profound teacher. Imagine that power.
When Rock Bottom Becomes Fertile Ground for Awakening to Your True Self
Why is it that rock bottom moments are our best teachers? It is amidst our suffering that everything that is not real about us can fall away. What I didn’t mention above about another value of fire to the sequoia is that the fire also burns up the floor of the forest, scorching away everything that will not serve the sequoia, but that may (in the long run) actually lead to its demise. If the undergrowth is left unattended, it becomes the fuel for the sequoia’s destruction.
As humans, we carry so much “undergrowth”—all the things that aren’t our authentic selves. This includes narratives we embody unquestioningly, like “I am a victim,” “I am unwell,” “Nobody really likes me,” or “I am not good enough.” They’re the stories others tell us about who we are that we might accept, the roles we occupy in life that we often confuse with our True Self, and the limiting beliefs that have become hardwired (which, by the way, can be undone). At rock bottom, the fires of suffering burn away everything not essential to our deeper “I Am”—that intrinsic Essence that’s always been there, just covered up by the undergrowth. And no, it’s not a glamorous or wonderful feeling. There’s no euphoria of awakening at that moment. In fact, it’s often just the beginning of a crucible of pain melting away the “false self,” everything that is not essential to the deeper “I.” Because it’s so painful, our natural inclination is to quickly and feverishly reassemble the old self. As one spiritual teacher observed, most Western psychology simply works to rebuild the false self. But all the while, your Essence, your True Self, your “I Am”—who you truly are—is quietly waiting to be discovered, perhaps for the very first time ever.
The “Dark Night of the Soul”: Finding Your True Self Amidst Disorientation
This spiritual process often plunges us into darkness and disorientation. It’s like someone stole your familiar map of life, replacing it with an ancient one where landmarks are gone, street names have changed, and your once-clear destinations are nowhere to be found.
This profound sense of being lost is what trauma, grief and loss, or significant life transitions (even mid-life crises) can trigger. Very unwillingly, we’re led into “the dark night of the soul“—a powerful spiritual purification that strips away the false self, making way for the emergence of one’s True Self, again, perhaps for the very first time. This initiatory journey was famously coined by St. John of the Cross in the 16th century and expounded upon by St. Teresa of Avila and other Christian mystics.
Amidst this profound disorientation, we feel utterly lost. The things that once brought us deep meaning, made us feel like “somebody,” or kept us grounded suddenly feel empty and without value, veiled in darkness.
Yet, it is within this dark night that we are plunged into a deeper existence. This shift happens once we surrender to and accept that we are, in fact, in the darkness. We are no longer resistant to, or fighting against, our temporary psycho-spiritual displacement; we are surrendering to it—a great spiritual act that signifies trust in something greater than just ourselves. When the roles we confused for who we are, when old beliefs and stories are more closely examined, when the masks we wear are stripped away—then what, or who, is left?
This is when we begin to see the value of the darkness as a teacher. We finally connect to something much more spacious: the “I Am.” The “I Am” simply exists, undefined by roles, labels, stories we tell ourselves, the contributions we make, or the things we regret. This is the beautiful moment of spiritual awakening that the dark night of the soul was fostering within us. In a strange twist, we often look back on those dark night moments with profound gratitude, recognizing them as the nurturing cocoon that incubated our deeper and fuller becoming.
Navigating the Dark Night of the Soul
The dark night of the soul isn’t a problem to be solved, but a profound crucible for transformation. Rather than trying to fix or escape it, the dark night journey is about deep engagement, like a miner unearthing precious gems. The practices below can help you illuminate and extract the hidden treasures within this challenging period:
- Mindfulness & Meditation: Helps us return to our inner landscape and connect with the “I Am,” your fundamental Essence. Simple breathwork, gentle body scans to acknowledge sensations, or loving-kindness meditation to extend profound compassion to yourself are powerful starting points. A wealth of guided meditations exists online to support your spiritual exploration.
- Prayer & Contemplation: For those open to it, dedicated prayer or contemplative practices can serve as anchors, providing solace, guidance, and inner strength. Whether through formal prayer or moments of quiet introspection, these practices can reveal unexpected light in the darkness.
- Journaling for Spiritual Insight: Consider your journal a direct conduit to your soul. As you chronicle your experiences during suffering, intentionally look for emergent insights, profound lessons, soulful connections, and joy and peace. This practice is incredibly potent for exposing old patterns and affirming your profound growth through the dark night.
- Connecting with Nature: Reconnect with the ancient healing power of nature. Immersing yourself in natural environments helps to ground your energy, broaden your perspective, and foster a deep sense of belonging to something larger than your immediate pain. It’s a pathway to serenity and clarity.
- Guidance from a Chaplain: Working with a professional chaplain can be truly invaluable. Chaplains, particularly those experienced in coming alongside individuals in the dark night of the soul, offer compassionate and expert spiritual guidance. Seek out a chaplain you feel a strong connection with for consistent support through this transformative experience.
Final Reflection and Invitation
When you emerge from the profound depths of your dark night experience, prepare for a powerful truth: you will not be the same person. Just as that favorite old childhood t-shirt no longer fits, your old ways of thinking, doing, and simply being will feel obsolete. This shedding is not a loss, but a magnificent liberation into a fuller, deeper, and more enriching life. Surprisingly, you’ll eventually look back at your dark night with a profound sense of gratitude and affection.
Resources for further reading across spiritual traditions:
- The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching: Transforming Suffering Into Peace, Joy, and Liberation by Thich Nhat Hanh
- Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross
- Little Pieces of Light by Joyce Rupp
- When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödrön
- More Beautiful Than Before: How Suffering Transforms Us by Rabbi Steve Leder
- Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
- Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr
- Awakening Joy: The Power of Inner Stillness by Sanaya Roman
- The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer
- Devotions: The Selected Poems of Mary Oliver by Mary Oliver
- The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
- Caravan of No Despair: A Memoir of Loss and Transformation by Mirabai Starr
- The Dark Night of the Soul: A Journey from Absence to Presence by Fiona Robertson
- The Showings by Julian of Norwich
- The Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila
Share your reflections on the questions below in the comments:
- “What spiritual insights have you gained from your own experiences of suffering?”
- “How has pain become a teacher in your life?”
- “Consider one way you can lean into your discomfort today with a spirit of surrender.”
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